Lovin', Touchin'
by figured-out
Summary: She's practically sitting and it's uncomfortable but he understands. He understands her.  St. Berry. one-shot.


She doesn't let him touch her with his hands. She doesn't want his caresses, light and warm as they are. She doesn't want him to explore her body, to touch her skin. She doesn't want his fingers tracing the sides of her body, between her breasts, her thighs, her neck. She can barely stand being close to him.

When Rachel has sex with Jesse St. James, she's on top. His hands are on the bed, sometimes resting, sometimes gripping. Hers are at the sides of her body. No touching (other than the obvious). That's how she wants it.

* * *

The first time it happens, Rachel shows up at his place and doesn't speak. She doesn't look at him, but around, and when she sees the house is empty she looks satisfied and walks towards his bedroom. He follows. Inside, she sits on his bed and looks at her shoes. He looks at her.

Many people will say that having Rachel Berry quiet for so long cannot happen in real life, but he knows that isn't true. She doesn't need to talk because he already knows.

_You betrayed me.  
You hurt me.  
You lied to me.  
You broke an egg on me._

_I still love you._

"I'm sorry," he says then, and watches her blink rapidly. She isn't crying when she looks up. Her stare is hard, tough. When he comes closer she touches his leg, just barely, and drops her hand. He leans down to kiss her, and her eye lids flutter. They move on the bed, and he touches her with urgency- her shoulders, her cheeks, her hair. She trembles beneath him, and pushes him back gently.

Suddenly he's under her, and she starts to remove her top. When he moves to touch the exposed skin, she whispers "no". She doesn't look at him. Soon, they're naked, and he doesn't reach out to touch her again. She's practically sitting and it's uncomfortable but he understands. He understands her.

She thinks he's the only one who does.

* * *

She shows up again, and again. There is no pattern (he tried to figure it out) but there's a routine. She always walks straight to his room. She never talks. He always makes the first move and he knows why.

_Do you still want me?_

They always lie down on their backs after and stare at the ceiling. He always listens to her breathe (he thinks she practices yoga breaths but he doesn't ask). She always moves first. If he's closer to any piece of her clothing, he hands it to her wordlessly. She walks out, and never looks back. He always lies back down, closes his eyes and takes in her smell.

* * *

She doesn't know it's the last time, but suddenly he says her name. She looks at him and his eyes are soft. "I'm leaving tomorrow for LA," he says, and she nods. She knew it was coming.

When he reaches the bed she stands up, looks at him like she's trying to memorize every detail of his face. Then she entwines her fingers with his and he stops breathing. She slowly reaches to touch his face, almost cupping it with her hand.

His eyes are closed. She keeps looking at him and suddenly he feels her close and warm and when she places her lips on his he reacts without thinking, kissing her and breathing her and wrapping his arms around her so tight that she shouldn't be able to breathe.

She doesn't notice, because she's holding him just the same. Her hands are on his lower back pressing him to her and then they move to his neck to bring his head even closer. She's hugging him to her and keeps on kissing him, never wanting to stop.

They don't break apart. Together they stumble to the bed and this time he's the one who takes off her clothes and he touches every inch of her body. His hands are warm on her and then his lips. She tries to breathe but it's so hard she settles for kissing him again and again and he can't get enough of touching her.

He doesn't move when it's over; stays on top of her. She barely feels his weight and when she feels him trying to move she tugs him back down. He smiles softly and hugs her. They stay like that for a very long time.

When he finally pulls out it's painful, emotionally. She breathes out hard and he can see her eyes watering. He pulls her to him and holds her, hugging her like his life depends on it.

He plays with her hair _(I like your new bangs)_. He kisses her temple. He runs a finger up and down her arm slowly. He settles her against his bare chest and can't help but feel that she fits there just right. And she feels that way too.

* * *

They fall asleep together on his bed. He wakes up a lot (he feels like it's every 15 minutes) because he just can't believe that she's still there, cuddled with her back to him and his arm around her body. So he wakes and just looks at her and memorizes how she sleeps and how her body touches his and just how _beautiful_ she is.

He hates to wake her up but he has to leave, so he touches her softly and whispers in her ear, "Rach, wake up". She does, and she's confused at first but then she looks at him and understands and her eyes drop.

She follows him as he takes his bags to his car, and she watches him as he tries to fit everything in. He turns to her when he's done and she comes closer. He takes both her hands in his and leans down to her. "I love you," he whispers and plants a kiss on her forehead.

She stares after his car until it's long out of sight.

* * *

The first break he gets, he's on her doorstep. He doesn't go straight to her bedroom because her dads are there, so he says hello and answers some questions about college. Once they're in her room (she closes the door) he wraps his arms around her and she relaxes into his embrace. Her head fits under his chin, and he closes his eyes and breathes in the smell of her shampoo. She traces her finger on his neck and he looks down. She smiles.

His heart starts beating so fast that he's sure she can actually hear it.

"I love you too."

Of course, he smiles then too, and her smile gets even brighter. She stands on her tip toes to place a soft kiss on his lips but he grabs her and kisses her hard because he can't get enough of her. So he's kissing her lips and her cheeks and her neck and in her hair and she's pulling him to the bed and they drop down together, him flat on his back and her on top of him with her legs wrapped around him and her hands on his chest. She's the one who starts to giggle and he joins in on her laugh but then he gets a serious face and pulls her down and starts a new routine.

From then on, they always kiss first. There's no rule about who initiates. He always unhooks her bra and throws it to the floor. She always gets a dreamy look when he runs his hands from her neck to her breasts to her stomach and then down. He always wraps his arms around her after and she sighs and presses into him. She always takes his hand and holds it tightly. He always tells her he loves her and kisses her face. It's not just about bedrooms now; they leave the house sometimes (it's always hard) and go places. They always hold hands.

He's still the only one who always understands.


End file.
